Unfiltered Writing
" In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. " - Robert Frost
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Dear What Do I Do?
He was texting me, talking about how he was getting drunk. He said that he wanted to hang out, but I brushed it off. I knew it probably was not a good idea that we see each other. I was vulnerable. I was lonely. My heart has just been broken once again by my, now ex-boyfriend. So I knew better than to put myself in that situation.
Then he called me and asked if I could pick him up. He said that him and his roommate has just gotten into a huge fight, and that if he stayed there they would end up in a physical brawl. Of course, I did not want to see that happen. But I thought he was messing with me at first. From the way it sounded, he sounded almost like he was just trying to get me to come over. Then he kept calling. I asked him for the address that he needed me to pick him up at. He gave me an address that I could not find on google maps. That is when I really thought he was just messing with me. But he kept calling. He sounded like he needed help. As I was on the phone with him, I could hear someone in the background asking if he was alright, if he needed help. That is when I knew that he was truly walking down Center St in the middle of the night, drunk.
I could not just leave him stranded. What if he got hit by a car? What if he got arrested? What if something had happened to him, and he had tried calling me to help him, and I just ignored his request. So I got in my car and starting driving. He kept telling me different directions. I could tell he was sincerely drunk. After awhile of driving around, I finally found him.
He climbed into my car and I started to drive. I had no idea where I planned to go. I just wanted to get him off the street until he was either sober or calm enough to head home. As I was driving down the road, he started grabbing at my chest. I pushed his hand away and told him he was drunk. I kind of shrugged it off because, well, he was way too intoxicated. As I continued to drive, trying to find a place that I could either stop to let him sober up, or think of somewhere to go, he started grabbing my hair. My hair was up in a ponytail and he just kept grabbing as much as he could and yanking it back. He kept saying things like, "I know you like that.", "You're getting excited, aren't you?". But I was not. Then he leaned over and started kissing my neck. He reached his hand over to my thigh. I was wearing a dress, and he quickly moved his hand up my thigh towards my underwear. I grabbed his hand and pushed it away, pushed it back towards him, and told him to stop. I told him that I need to focus on driving and that he needed to stop. He told me my driving was fine and leaned back over and bite the top of my ear. I shrunk away to my left a little, which made me swerve slightly on the dark road. Luckily no one was around. That scared me. I felt as though if I did not pull over soon, I would end up crashing into another vehicle or swerve off of the road. He continued to release slight moans as grabbed my right breast. He grabbed it over my dress firmly. I tried pushing his hand away with my right arm, but he would just release for a brief second and then go to grab at me again. I kept asking him to stop. I felt uncomfortable the entire time. This was not right. Then, very suddenly this time, he reached his hand over to me, but instead of grabbing my breast through my dress, he grabbed my dress and pulled it towards him. I could hear the fabric make tiny ripping sounds. I yelled at him to stop. He stuck his hand underneath my dress and forcefully grabbed my breast, rubbing his hand over my nipple. Every time I grabbed his hand and pulled it out, he would just repeat himself and do it again. At this point I was extremely worried I was going to get into an accident if I continued to drive.
When I finally found a place to safely pull over, I did, and that is when he got very excited. I think he thought that this meant that I was going to give in to what he wanted. But I only pulled over for a minute. Enough time for me to turn around so I could start heading in the direction that we came from, so I could drop him off at home, or at least where I picked him up if necessary (I figured that must at least be somewhere near his home, since he was on foot when I picked him up). As I was trying to turn the car around, he leaned towards me again. This time he grabbed the left side of my face with his hand and moved my face towards his. Then he began to kiss me. The thought of it even as I am writing this makes me sick to my stomach. He pushed his lips to my, and jabbed his thick cigarette and whiskey laced tongue into my mouth. I knew this was not right. I knew that this was not what I wanted. I put my forearm to his chest and pushed back on him. Once his lips were off of mine, I swung my head to the left and looked down. For some reason I felt guilty, ashamed, and dirty. He asked me if that is what I wanted, and I told him that I did not want him to do that. He asked me if I enjoyed it, and I told him that I had not.
At this point he began to get a little frustrated. I do not know what he was expecting. He asked me if I really did not want this, if I really was not into him coming on to me. I told him I was not into it, and I did not like it. He condescending asked me if this was not what I wanted, then why did I come to pick him up. I immediately replied with the truth. That I thought he needed my help, that I just wanted to be there for him since he was not in a good situation when he called. He desperately sounded like he needed help. He scoffed at my answer. He told me he could not believe that he wasted his time calling the most boring person to come pick him up. I told him that that was fine, and told him that I would take him home now and he could call someone else, because I did not want to do anything sexual with him. I told him that when he originally asked me to pick him up. I told him that I was not going to do anything, that I would just give him a ride, or hang out, but nothing else. He leaned the passenger seat back as for as it would go and told me to start driving then, to take him back to where I picked him up.
I pulled out onto the road and began driving. Within a few seconds I could hear him undoing his belt buckle. I started to get a bad feeling, like that bottom of my stomach had just dropped out, something was wrong. I mockingly asked me if I minded what he was doing, he said it helped him relax. I told him that he should keeps his pants on. Then he pulled out his penis. I know that is what had happened because I split second later, he grabbed my right hand from off of the steering wheel and yanked it towards his penis. For a brief second the back of my hand brushed his penis, and I quickly pulled it away. I told him he needed to put it away. He grabbed my wrist and started pulling my hand back towards him. I tried to pull my hand away, but this time he kept a hold of my wrist and continued to bring it towards him. I was able to give enough resistance to keep my hand away from him.
By this point we were almost back to where I had picked him up, I felt a sense of relief, but also a little guilt, because I was not able to keep this drunk guy, who I thought of as being a friend, out of harms way. If I let him get out of the car, who knows what may happen? So I asked him where he lived, so that I could just take him home. He got frustrated with me because I was not complying to his wants. All of a sudden, he started telling me to pull the car over. He kept saying to pull the car over NOW. Thinking that he was either going to be sick, or that he just wanted to get out, I pulled the car over onto the side of the road and parked in near the sidewalk.
Once the car was pulled over, he told me to put it in park, so I did. I was slightly confused at this point. He seemed mad at me, so I did not understand why he wanted the car in park. As soon as a shifted into the parking gear, a smile came onto his face. I said, "what?", and then he grabbed my head and began kissing me again, sticking his disgusting tongue into my mouth. I had both of my hands on his chest pushing back, but he kept jabbing his tongue around my mouth. Finally when he released my lips, he started kissing my neck. I kept cringing away, I told him that he needed to stop. He reached his hand underneath my dress. Ran his hand up my thigh and began rubbing me through my underwear. I used my hand to try and grab his wrist and pull his arm away, but I he resisted, and I was not able to move it. I kept pressing my knees together to give him as little access as possible, hoping that he would realize that I was extremely uncomfortable with him touching me this way. He whispered in my ear that he missed me so much. That he missed this. That I was so "hot". Then he bite my neck, hard. I yell "OW", and he jolted away. I told him that he needed to stop this, that he just hurt me, and that I did not want him to do ANY of this.
So he laid back down on the passenger seat. I sat there in silence for a minute. I was confused. All these thoughts were racing through my mind. Had I led him on? Was I not clear enough that I did not want him touching me? I felt almost as though I were in shock. I have known him for years, we even dated for years, and we had been intimate before. Did he just think I was playing hard to get? I just kept repeating in my head how many times I had told him to stop, told him no, why had he not listened to me? He had never done anything like this before, drunk or otherwise. I did not understand it. After a second of sitting in silence thinking to myself what to do next, my thoughts were rudely broken by him grabbing my hand once again. He had his penis out, again. He was laying back in the passenger seat. Again, I pulled against him as he tried to bring my hand towards his penis. He kept repeating, "Just give it a kiss, just for a second. Just put it in your mouth for just a little and I'll be happy". I firmly told him no. I KNEW I did not want to do that. The thought of doing that repulsed me, I started to feel sick to my stomach even more. He kept asking me to put my mouth on his penis for just a second, and I kept telling him no. I felt like I was having to argue with him. What was happening? He grabbed my ponytail again. All of my hair was balled up in his hand. He started pulling my head back to the point that it began to hurt. He pulled my head back, and started to pull it down towards his penis. I could see his phone in the center console of my car lighting up. I saw that it was his girlfriend calling him. I told him that his girlfriend is calling, and he really should pick up, she might be worried about him. I was hoping that this would distract him, that it would snap him back into reality. He told me I was being a "buzz-kill" and began kissing my neck again, and groping my breasts with his free hand. I grabbed his hand and told him he needed to stop, to please just let me go.
This is when he started getting mad, or more frustrated, or ... I am not even sure. It was hard to pay attention to how he was feeling, when I was trying to sort everything out in my own head. What was happening? He yelled at me for a second again, something about him wasting his time, or something, I am honestly not 100% sure. I was stunned. I felt my body starting to quiver a little, my mind trying to sort out everything. I felt like his hands were still forcing their way between my legs and into my dress. While all of this was violently racing through my mind, I said nothing to him, and he angrily got out of the car and slammed the door. I sat there in my car, just staring at the steering wheel. All of a sudden my car door opened. He positioned himself as close to me as possible. He had pulled his penis out of his pants once again. He was again grabbing the back of my head, trying to bring me closer, telling me to just do it, telling me that he knew I wanted to do it. I continued to pull away from him, kept telling him I did not want to do it.
Finally, after a minute or so of me resisting and begging him to put his penis away and stop, he let out a groan and slammed my driver side car door shut. Immediately my hand went to the lock and clicked it so that all of my doors were secured. He walked to the other side of the car and attempted to open the door. I just stared at him for a second. What was he going to do next? He drunkenly slurred at me to let him in so that I could take him back to where I dropped him off. It was only a little ways down the road we were on, and I just wanted this night to be over. I told him we were right near where I picked him up (you could literally see the spot that I had picked him up). He began walking away, pulling up his pants at his waist, fixing his belt.
I pulled back onto the road and started driving. I made sure the doors were locked still, for some reason I checked them multiple times on my way back to my ex's house (I am still living with him, since the breakup was just a day prior and I had yet to find a new home). About halfway back to the house, tears just started flowing from my eyes. I could do nothing to stop them. I began sobbing, trying to piece together every word and action. Had I given him mixed signals? Had I not said "No!" and "Stop!" enough? Had I not resisted enough? Thoughts were rushing through my mind about what had just occurred, how much worse it could have been, had we not been in my vehicle, would he have stopped? He had touched me though. I felt violated. I felt ashamed. I felt scared. I felt anger. He had touched me inappropriately on my neck, lips, mouth, ears, neck, thighs, breasts, and between my legs. I thought it was enough to say NO. I thought it was enough to say STOP. I thought it was enough to push him away and resist his grabs and pulls. But I still drove away feeling unclean. I drove away with so many emotions, and none of them were pleasant in any sort of way.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Dear Inner Anger,
With each moment that I stay here I find myself being ripped in two directions.
Part of me is in so much pain. That part is dying with hope that he will change his mind. Just praying he will walk in and look me in the eyes, hold me close and tell me he made a huge mistake by trying to end this. Tell me he does not want me to go, not now, not ever. It keeps trying to convince me that the more I continue to love him, the sooner he will realize that I AM the one he wants, that THIS is what he wants, me, us, all of it.
Part of me is angry, and frightened. It is angry that he would do something like this. If he truly loved me, if he was the person that I am supposed to be with, why would he do this? If this is the life that I was meant to be a part of and share, why would we be going through this? I am angry that he does not want to be with me. Angry that he has the audacity to walk by me everyday as though I am nothing to him, just a nuisance now. He shows NO remorse. He shows no heartbreak, nothing. It is as though he was never invested in this relationship. As though I was just someone that was here, someone filling the space. Nothing. Worthless. Hopeless. Pitiful. And when he acts this way, stand-offish, distant, like I am nothing ... that is what makes me angry.
But I am also frightened. Scared of what the future holds. How am I going to make it? We have been a team for several years now. It has been him and I against the world. How am I going to do it when he is not longer with me to lean on, to help, to vent to. He was my partner, my best friend. Not only am I losing my love, I am losing my absolute best friend. That is what makes this even worse, I think. That he was not just my boyfriend, he was not just my lover, my love, my partner; he was my best friend. It is as though I have lost two people instead of just one.
I know that I will make it. Life goes on. It always does. The world will keep turning. It never slows down. It never stops. That is just the way it is. And no matter how much you want to make it stop, or how much you wish you could go back, fix your mistakes, change, be different, say something different, anything at all! .. You just can not. It is just not possible. The saddest truth is that even if you do love someone with all of your being. Even if you do see a future, plan a future, invest in that future, it does not mean that that future will be yours. There are no guarantees. There never are, there never will be.
People say that the best relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Well I disagree. I love myself. I am happy with myself. As I mentioned previously, I know that I will be able to make it. But the issue that I have is that I do not WANT to make it by myself. I actually ENJOY having that partner. I ENJOY sharing my life with someone, to have someone to lean on, and for someone else to be able to lean on me. Someone to laugh with, and share with, and sleep with, and cry with. To revel in the good and the bad, together.
I feel so lonely. I feel defeated, and broken, and sad all the time. I feel sad even when there is a smile on my face. I feel sad even when there is a laugh passing my lips. I just feel absolutely destroyed.
That being said, here is the thing about getting destroyed - no matter how far gone you are at the moment, there WILL be a day when you are going to hurt worse than this. There will, it is an undeniable fact. Heartbreak is terrible, but there are worse things that can happen. So even though I feel destroyed at the moment, I do know that there will be a day when I wake up - possibly all alone in my bed, in a dwelling I keep just to myself, with no one around me, no one to lean on or talk to - and I will feel broken, not destroyed. And then another day down the line, there will be a day I wake up and feel sad, not broken. And then, possibly the most beautiful day I have yet to arrive at, there will be a day I wake up and I feel happy, not even a little trace of sadness. Genuine, feel good, sunshine shooting out of my ass kind of happy ... I just know it. And THAT is the day that I must focus on. To know that THAT day WILL get here, eventually.
The idea of that day arriving sometime in the near, or even distant future is probably the only thing keeping me from falling to absolute unfixable pieces. So THAT is what I will hold onto, not him.
... just let go, you will get better, I promise.
Part of me is in so much pain. That part is dying with hope that he will change his mind. Just praying he will walk in and look me in the eyes, hold me close and tell me he made a huge mistake by trying to end this. Tell me he does not want me to go, not now, not ever. It keeps trying to convince me that the more I continue to love him, the sooner he will realize that I AM the one he wants, that THIS is what he wants, me, us, all of it.
Part of me is angry, and frightened. It is angry that he would do something like this. If he truly loved me, if he was the person that I am supposed to be with, why would he do this? If this is the life that I was meant to be a part of and share, why would we be going through this? I am angry that he does not want to be with me. Angry that he has the audacity to walk by me everyday as though I am nothing to him, just a nuisance now. He shows NO remorse. He shows no heartbreak, nothing. It is as though he was never invested in this relationship. As though I was just someone that was here, someone filling the space. Nothing. Worthless. Hopeless. Pitiful. And when he acts this way, stand-offish, distant, like I am nothing ... that is what makes me angry.
But I am also frightened. Scared of what the future holds. How am I going to make it? We have been a team for several years now. It has been him and I against the world. How am I going to do it when he is not longer with me to lean on, to help, to vent to. He was my partner, my best friend. Not only am I losing my love, I am losing my absolute best friend. That is what makes this even worse, I think. That he was not just my boyfriend, he was not just my lover, my love, my partner; he was my best friend. It is as though I have lost two people instead of just one.
I know that I will make it. Life goes on. It always does. The world will keep turning. It never slows down. It never stops. That is just the way it is. And no matter how much you want to make it stop, or how much you wish you could go back, fix your mistakes, change, be different, say something different, anything at all! .. You just can not. It is just not possible. The saddest truth is that even if you do love someone with all of your being. Even if you do see a future, plan a future, invest in that future, it does not mean that that future will be yours. There are no guarantees. There never are, there never will be.
People say that the best relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Well I disagree. I love myself. I am happy with myself. As I mentioned previously, I know that I will be able to make it. But the issue that I have is that I do not WANT to make it by myself. I actually ENJOY having that partner. I ENJOY sharing my life with someone, to have someone to lean on, and for someone else to be able to lean on me. Someone to laugh with, and share with, and sleep with, and cry with. To revel in the good and the bad, together.
I feel so lonely. I feel defeated, and broken, and sad all the time. I feel sad even when there is a smile on my face. I feel sad even when there is a laugh passing my lips. I just feel absolutely destroyed.
That being said, here is the thing about getting destroyed - no matter how far gone you are at the moment, there WILL be a day when you are going to hurt worse than this. There will, it is an undeniable fact. Heartbreak is terrible, but there are worse things that can happen. So even though I feel destroyed at the moment, I do know that there will be a day when I wake up - possibly all alone in my bed, in a dwelling I keep just to myself, with no one around me, no one to lean on or talk to - and I will feel broken, not destroyed. And then another day down the line, there will be a day I wake up and feel sad, not broken. And then, possibly the most beautiful day I have yet to arrive at, there will be a day I wake up and I feel happy, not even a little trace of sadness. Genuine, feel good, sunshine shooting out of my ass kind of happy ... I just know it. And THAT is the day that I must focus on. To know that THAT day WILL get here, eventually.
The idea of that day arriving sometime in the near, or even distant future is probably the only thing keeping me from falling to absolute unfixable pieces. So THAT is what I will hold onto, not him.
... just let go, you will get better, I promise.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Dear Broken Heart,
It has been quite some time since you have felt anything NEAR this heartbreak. When past relationships ended, it was hard. It was what you thought was heartbreaking. You questioned it for days, no weeks on end. But this, this is painful.
You thought this was it. You thought FOR SURE, this time something went right. There was something different about him. Even the things you did not care for, you still loved, because that is what made him, him. You had amazing times. He made you feel bigger, better, stronger than anything ever had. You pictured a life, a future, and that future definitely included him. You broke rules you had set in place to prevent getting too attached. You joined every aspect of his life with yours.
And maybe that is where you went wrong.
He is done. He is gone; not physically, yet, but emotionally yes. He wants nothing to do with you. He wants something else. Something else out of a relationship; something else out of life. Maybe it is a matter of the wrong place, wrong time. Maybe it is not. Either way, he is done, "us" is done.
So what now?
First let me just get out what exactly this feels like. It feels like the walls are falling in around you. It feels like you just lost everything. Your home, your family, your present, your future, your best friend. You are angry at the fact that he could just walk away like this, as though it is so easy. You are slightly envious of this too. You wish you could be the same, you wish you could just turn it off. Oh, if there were a switch that you could flip to just turn these feelings off, you would flip that switch in a heartbeat. You feel hurt that you let him in so much. You feel hurt that you loved him with everything you had, all you had. You feel as though you are not good enough; not just for him, but for anyone. If this person who you thought to be your partner, the mysterious "one", does not want you, how could anyone else? Even with all that, you still feel love. Lots and lots and lots of pure love. The kind of love that you would go to hell and back for. The kind of love that leaves you speechless, and out of breath, and hopeful.
But alas, there is no hope. This is it. It is really over this time. This is a fact that you sadly must face. And even more importantly, this is a fact that you must overcome. But how? How do you get over a heartbreak? How do you pretend like everything is okay, when you feel as though you are falling apart from the inside out. How do you see him continuing on so easily, so smoothly, and not breakdown in a heap of tears and self-pity?
There really is no right answer. But you must move on. You must pick yourself up. You must keep your head held high. And you must, and this may be the most pertinent of all, you must not try to grasp for the hand that is no longer there. He is no longer your rock. He is no longer your shoulder to cry on. He is no longer your best friend. He is no longer yours. Period.
In what feels like just a few quick blinks of the eye, your whole world is flipped upside down. Your whole world is spinning a thousand miles per hour. You may not know where you will land when the spinning stops, but just know this ... it WILL stop, and you WILL be alright.
You thought this was it. You thought FOR SURE, this time something went right. There was something different about him. Even the things you did not care for, you still loved, because that is what made him, him. You had amazing times. He made you feel bigger, better, stronger than anything ever had. You pictured a life, a future, and that future definitely included him. You broke rules you had set in place to prevent getting too attached. You joined every aspect of his life with yours.
And maybe that is where you went wrong.
He is done. He is gone; not physically, yet, but emotionally yes. He wants nothing to do with you. He wants something else. Something else out of a relationship; something else out of life. Maybe it is a matter of the wrong place, wrong time. Maybe it is not. Either way, he is done, "us" is done.
So what now?
First let me just get out what exactly this feels like. It feels like the walls are falling in around you. It feels like you just lost everything. Your home, your family, your present, your future, your best friend. You are angry at the fact that he could just walk away like this, as though it is so easy. You are slightly envious of this too. You wish you could be the same, you wish you could just turn it off. Oh, if there were a switch that you could flip to just turn these feelings off, you would flip that switch in a heartbeat. You feel hurt that you let him in so much. You feel hurt that you loved him with everything you had, all you had. You feel as though you are not good enough; not just for him, but for anyone. If this person who you thought to be your partner, the mysterious "one", does not want you, how could anyone else? Even with all that, you still feel love. Lots and lots and lots of pure love. The kind of love that you would go to hell and back for. The kind of love that leaves you speechless, and out of breath, and hopeful.
But alas, there is no hope. This is it. It is really over this time. This is a fact that you sadly must face. And even more importantly, this is a fact that you must overcome. But how? How do you get over a heartbreak? How do you pretend like everything is okay, when you feel as though you are falling apart from the inside out. How do you see him continuing on so easily, so smoothly, and not breakdown in a heap of tears and self-pity?
There really is no right answer. But you must move on. You must pick yourself up. You must keep your head held high. And you must, and this may be the most pertinent of all, you must not try to grasp for the hand that is no longer there. He is no longer your rock. He is no longer your shoulder to cry on. He is no longer your best friend. He is no longer yours. Period.
In what feels like just a few quick blinks of the eye, your whole world is flipped upside down. Your whole world is spinning a thousand miles per hour. You may not know where you will land when the spinning stops, but just know this ... it WILL stop, and you WILL be alright.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Dear Unwelcome Happening,
I think it may be happening again. The loss of love.
Everything happens for a reason I suppose..
But why did THIS have to happen.
Why is not hearing my voice good enough anymore? Why are my hugs no longer warm and loving? Why does my kiss not make you melt, nor my touch not make you shiver? Why does it no longer make you happy to see me?
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... Well, this time, I think distance may have made the heart realize that this is not right. That I am no longer good enough, if I ever was to begin with.
I grow more weary with each passing day. With each missed phone call. With each conversation that ends with out a sign off. With each email that goes without a reply.
I am still here. You are not.
Everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately this is happening, and like every functioning young adult, I just have to deal with it. Swallow my pride, and reciprocate the inevitable and dreaded goodbye.
Everything happens for a reason I suppose..
But why did THIS have to happen.
Why is not hearing my voice good enough anymore? Why are my hugs no longer warm and loving? Why does my kiss not make you melt, nor my touch not make you shiver? Why does it no longer make you happy to see me?
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder... Well, this time, I think distance may have made the heart realize that this is not right. That I am no longer good enough, if I ever was to begin with.
I grow more weary with each passing day. With each missed phone call. With each conversation that ends with out a sign off. With each email that goes without a reply.
I am still here. You are not.
Everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately this is happening, and like every functioning young adult, I just have to deal with it. Swallow my pride, and reciprocate the inevitable and dreaded goodbye.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Dear Adventurer,
You envelope my thoughts day in and day out. I want to know if you're thinking about me. I want to know if I've been on your mind. All I do is lay on what was once our bed, with tears filling my eyes. I always seem to catch them before they break the barrier and run down my cheeks....But I don't know how much longer I can hold them back.
I feel you drifting away. You're on the ship, while I'm firmly planted in the sand on the shore. It's lonely, deserted possibly. And as of this moment, as of this very instant that I am writing this, I feel as though I will remain for a long while with that same feeling of loss and loneliness even after your return.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I just don't know what to do.
ILYWT&IDNKWIWDWY,BIJMHTBFO.
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